Lexapro Heaux

I never thought that I would be someone who takes antidepressants. Before I started taking Lexapro, I thought that people who took antidepressants were severely depressed, which to me meant you can’t get out of bed, can’t function properly, don’t bathe for days, lethargic, maybe even suicidal. This didn’t sound like me, at least on the outside.

I had just gotten my new job that I love, newly married to the love of my life, homeowner, great friends and family, crazy but loveable dog, everything was technically really good in my life. With the pandemic still going on and everyone doing their best to just survive, I thought everyone was probably a little if not a lot depressed.

Depression at its worst for me was like having a weighted blanket draping my entire body aaalll the time. It’s like trying to run in molasses. Everything took SO much energy, and I didn’t know why. It also felt like I was floating and no amount of self-caring and talking to my therapist could ground me. It’s like death by a thousand paper cuts. One tiny bad thing happens and it’s not so bad, but as the days go on more tiny inconvenient or bad things happen and they keep piling up to where in your head you have a mountain of bad or irritating or inconvenient or annoying things that happened and suddenly you’re crying over cheese and you’re embarrassed for crying over something so small and then you’re more depressed and SIGH. That long ass, run-on sentence felt chaotic to write yet was so accurate to how fast my mind would race when my depression was at its worst. Depression for me is having my anxieties race through my mind a million miles a minute yet having zero energy physically or mentally to handle them and feeling like a balloon on a string hoping that whatever was holding on to it would keep holding on. It’s looking forward to sleeping knowing you don’t have to muster up the energy to deal with any problems, and then waking up crying because you know you’re about to have a hard day no matter what.

When I started to consider getting on medication for depression, I wasn’t sure if I was someone who “needed” it. As I mentioned before, I didn’t think my depression was extreme enough to take anti-depressants. Luckily for me, a couple of friends opened up to me about their experience with antidepressants and how glad they are to have taken them. These were not people who I would’ve thought would be on antidepressant medication, which is why I think I was intrigued. Like, if this person is on lexapro, what makes me think I don’t “need” it despite how I’d been feeling for the past 3 months?

In my therapy sessions, the topic of getting on antidepressants came up. My therapist had been noticing how bad my depression had been, and when I asked her opinion on trying antidepressants, she told me that she was glad we were talking about it and how she thought it would be beneficial for me to at least try them. It’s wild that even after 4 years of consistent therapy, you can still be depressed and need the extra bit of help. I think what’s even more wild is how normal that actually is, and how sometimes one thing doesn’t “fix” you and sometimes you need more than one method of mental healthcare.

Coincidentally, I had a doctor’s appointment the next day and was able to get a screening. The questions she asked me were so hard to answer that I would cry in almost each one. I felt such a weight on me. My doctor told me I had moderate severe depression, and that she wanted me to try the lowest dosage of Lexapro. I was nervous and excited. Nervous because I wasn’t sure how a new medication would affect my body, but also excited to see if it would actually work.

Once I took the first dose, I immediately noticed a difference the next day. I woke up and felt calm. I was shocked! I didn’t feel tense or anxious about anything. I genuinely enjoyed my coffee in my backyard. Not stressed about what I had to do that day. I was present. I even purposely tried to think of something horrible that would normally stress me out and it didn’t. What was more shocking is that I realized that the amount of daily tension I felt wasn’t normal. I felt a little woozy the first week or so, but overall felt like my problems had shrunk. In my experience, being on medication doesn’t make your depression or anxiety go away, but it does make your life much more manageable. One of my best friends describes being on antidepressant medication so well: it’s like you’re in a boxing match, and you’re taking life’s punches and you get tired and a little fucked up, but then you tag in your sub (in my case, Lexapro) and they do the fighting for you and you finally get to chill and recover.

Making the decision to get on antidepressant mediation was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself, and it’s helped me get back to living my life in a way thats manageable and even happy again. It’s made me excited and motivated, and even inspired me to start this blog! I don’t have catastrophic anxiety attacks anymore, and I feel more ambitious than I have in a long time. If getting on antidepressants is something you’ve been thinking about and feel like you’ve exhausted all your options, I’d say consider trying it. I’ve had a great experience so far, but keep in mind that it affects everybody differently. What I really like most about it is summed up by my doctor: it’s not a forever medication, or it could be a forever medication. It’s totally up to you!

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope my experience helped provide some insight!